the fahey chronicles

IOWA (the fahey chronicles) - A multinational biochemical corporation responsible for immeasurable environmental devastation made the American public forget about its nefarious practices by adding a green cartoon leaf to their corporate logo. 

“We’re rolling out our new logo and finding that everyone is looking past the hundreds of EPA violations that our company has racked up.” said Unisanto Industries spokesperson Brett Falwell. “Adding this cute green cartoon leaf to our current logo really distracts the American public from thinking about the cataclysmic health effects our products have saddled upon countless future generations.” 

“Have you seen the Unisanto commercial featuring shots of gorgeous rolling cornfields at sunrise? You know, the one that also features actors portraying farmers climbing the sides of grain silos in slow-motion while orchestral music plays?” said a television viewer. “I was dubious of Unisanto’s practices at first, but this new cartoon leaf logo means they are definitely NOT up to anything evil. No way.”

The comedy club home to many of Chandler’s legendarily mediocre performances.

Seattle, WA (the fahey chronicles) - “Ryan, Rory…maybe Ron? I don’t remember his name exactly, but I’m pretty sure it started with an R.” said Marilyn Grossman, the manager of Giggles, a hot spot for local comics. “He always began his set by asking if anyone in the crowd was married before starting his five-minute routine about the differences between men and women.”

The man Ms. Grossman speaks of is Robert Chandler, a local comic who died at age 33, despite the fact that he was at the very height of his mediocre career in comedy. 

“I vaguely remember him as the guy who had a bunch of jokes about the airline safety procedure. After a few jokes, he’d put on a passenger life vest and run around on stage while pointing to someone in the audience and saying ‘this guy knows what I’m talking about’ before repeating ‘am I right?’ over and over again.” said a local man who caught one of Chandler’s incredibly mediocre sets at Giggles. “I think his name was Roger or Ralph?”

The deceased comic’s booking agent Todd M. Pearson was interviewed as he rifled through tattered cardboard boxes filled with DVDs of Chandler’s performances. “This one here is labeled, ‘What’s the deal with dogs and cats?’.” said a teary-eyed Pearson.”I remember the last thing he said to me before he died, ‘I’ve got a great new bit about the DMV. That place is CRAZY, am I right?’.”

Denton, TX (the fahey chronicles) Bruce Hanes, 32, tired of answering pressing questions from his family about the direction of his life, hired former George W. Bush Press Secretary Ari Fleischer for a recent family dinner.

“Mr. Hanes has hired me to speak on his behalf this evening.” said Fleischer as the Hanes family settled into a family dinner at a local Olive Garden. “Any and all questions regarding Mr. Hanes will be directed toward me and answered by me.” said Fleischer. “We thank you in advance for your cooperation. Now, if you don’t mind passing me a breadstick.” 

Mr. Fleischer spent the entire night responding to an towering amount of questions while Mr. Hanes sat quietly eating his shrimp scampi and periodically checking his phone for text messages.

“You’re 32, when are you going to get married? You’re not getting any younger, you know.” grumbled Hanes’ grandmother Gloria Stallworth, 86, in between bites of her artisanal asiago ravioli with chicken entree. Responded Fleischer, ”Mr. Hanes would like you to know that his dating life has been stunted by the recent financial crisis that burdens us all.” At which point Mrs. Stallworth interrupted Fleischer and asked, “You’re not gay are you?!”

Mr. Fleischer quelled Mrs. Stallworth’s concern that her grandson may be gay and continued answering questions throughout the night. Nearing the end of the visit the former Press Secretary alerted Mr. Hanes that because of the extreme stress and pressure of the job, he’d be stepping down as his personal Press Secretary for future trips home. 

Los Angeles, CA (the fahey chronicles) - In what has become a Sunday ritual, the nation’s most awful white people took to Facebook yesterday to announce they were at brunch.  

“We’ve seen this over and over again and what typically happens is some terrible white person will make a really big deal about eating a fucking scone on a Sunday at noon.” said Facebook spokesperson Lou Garcia.

Facebook is currently beta-testing its ‘Hide Things White People Brag About’ feature that will search for and block status updates from white people bragging about their brunch, their desserts and having tickets to a live taping of Two and a Half Men. 

Agawam, MA (the fahey chronicles) - In what some are calling the most senseless act any human being has ever done, Ed Winfield, 46, actually took the time to lock his PT Cruiser today.

“I was pumping gas next to him when I saw him do it.” said Claire Bonner, who held back fits of laughter as she witnessed Mr. Winfield fill his PT Cruiser with gas, click the remote car lock and then pull on the driver’s side door handle to double check the hideous looking vehicle was secure before heading into the gas station to purchase a microwavable burrito. 

“You know how desperate you’d have to be to steal a piece of shit like that?” said Carl Crenshaw, a homeless man who routinely frequents the area looking for aluminum cans to exchange at local super markets. 

A spokesperson for Chrysler said that they never intended to install door locks on the cars given the absolutely revolting appearance of the vehicle. “We weren’t even going to install seat belts inside these sad excuses for cars. We figured any asshole dumb enough to buy a piece of shit like this probably shouldn’t be alive in the first place.”

Tacoma, WA (the fahey chronicles) - Greg Harville, 52, removed his hands from the steering wheel of his car earlier today and let Jesus take the wheel.

“Well, needless to say, this isn’t the Son of God’s proudest moment.” said Harville, who pulled over at a rest stop to catch his breath after nearly careening into the side of a tractor trailer truck carrying 15 tons of Stouffer’s French Bread pizzas. ”He can walk on water, give sight to the blind and heal someone with leprosy with a mere touch of his hand, just don’t ask him to responsibly drive a 1999 Ford Aspire.” 

This isn’t the first instance of someone letting a Heavenly deity take control over a transportation vehicle.

In 1994, Tom Franklin was piloting a Boeing 727 en route to Phoenix. “I got up to go to the bathroom and the plane almost crashed.” said Franklin, “Turns out those bumper stickers are bullshit, God is a terrible co-pilot.” 

A young man celebrates by eating an entire stick of butter; a common sight as America celebrates the end of the Mubarak regime. 

Another painting of a chubby chick. 

Claudette Webb in the break-room of the arts and crafts store in which she works.

Tampa, FL (the fahey chronicles) – After returning from a “life-changing spiritual journey”, Claudette Webb, 45, now spends every waking moment awkwardly forcing anecdotes about her trip to Sedona into every conversation.

Michael Lazzio, manager of the Michael’s Arts and Crafts store where Claudette works as a cashier, told the fahey chronicles, “We were closing-up the store and talking about our weekend plans and someone casually mentioned going to the beach,” Lazzio said. “Well, needless to say that was enough for Claudette to connect beach to sand and sand to the red sandstone rock formations that, according to her, ‘glow in glorious hues of red and orange as if kissed by the heavenly Arizona sun’ or something like that.”

Mr. Lazzio has since resorted to faking entire cell phone conversations with himself while walking to his car after closing up the store. “Last week, while walking with Claudette to our cars, I started in on what I thought was harmless conversation about how it looks like it might rain, and before I knew it I was tipping the god·damn rainstick she keeps in her trunk back and forth in the parking lot as she stood there telling me she could hear the Universe speaking through me.” 

Another co-worker confessed he had simply complained that his Yoplait had gone missing from the break-room fridge. “So, she starts in on ‘well, now you know how the Apache Indians of Sedona must have felt when they were forcefully removed from their sacred land by the white man’.” said the co-worker, who works in the beads department, but asked to remain anonymous. “And, of course, she’s got cell phone pictures.”

The local news van sits as the driver hurriedly enters “pointless bullshit” into the GPS’ destination. 

Former lead singer of The Police, Sting.  

UK (the fahey chronicles) – The musician known as Sting reportedly thought about himself for yet another entire day.
“If you’re thinking about how great of a voice Sting has, well, then you’ve got something in common with Sting.” said Sting. “I wake up each morning under 900 thread count sheets in my European castle to the sound of my alarm clock that plays ‘Desert Rose’ by me, Sting.”

Sting will usually leave his bed mid-morning, but not before picking up a cell phone to see if he has any e-mail. “I have a Google Alert for Sting, so if any Sting-related things happen overnight, I can stay abreast of such news and read about it the second my beautiful head wakes from it’s slumber.”

After a long day of being impressed with the sound of his own voice, playing various medieval instruments and having tantric masturbation sessions with himself to himself, Sting will retire to bed once again to start the whole process all over again.

God, “Look, I’m gonna be busy.” 

WASHINGTON (the fahey chronicles) - A team of scientists out of George Washington University spent months studying golfers’ posture, brand of clubs and weight distribution during swings before finally coming to the conclusion that the perfect golf swing is primarily attained by being a rich white asshole.

“This is fantastic news.” said white asshole Derek Martin. “I make over 500,000 dollars a year, drive a white BMW, have a corporate account at Brooks Brothers and listen to Coldplay.” Taking into account all of this, Mr. Johnson is a perfect candidate for golf. Mr. Martin continued, “I even get tense around people of other ethnicities and assert my dominance by being loud and wearing a large watch.” 

“We have never spent so much time on one study that reaped such conclusive evidence.” said one of the scientists that worked on the study. “We also found that when a white asshole puts all of his weight on his right white asshole leg and drives with his white asshole hips, he’s more likely to perform the perfect golf swing.” 

Nora the piano playing cat.

HOLLYWOOD (the fahey chronicles) - Trent Reznor released an official statement today regarding his Oscar nomination for The Social Network’s theme song.

“I cannot, in good faith, accept this nomination or keep this ruse going any further.” read Reznor’s press statement. “It is with full disclosure that I admit that The Social Network’s Oscar nominated theme song was actually played by Nora the YouTube piano playing cat.”

The admission will not affect Reznor’s nomination, but Oscar officials will make room for Nora at the award show by setting up a cat playhouse next to Reznor’s seat and will install a fully functional litter box in the female restroom. 

Area hipsters ironically mourn across the street from an Urban Outfitters. 

Portland, OR (the fahey chronicles) In what is being called the worst atrocity to happen to white people since Dave Matthews went electric, reverberations of the White Stripes break up have echoed thoughout the hipster community.

“I paused my Belle and Sebastian album and couldn’t even finish my organic soy latte.” said Portland hipster Derek Frey upon hearing the news that the White Stripes have broken up. 

Removing his tear-stained Wayfarers, Frey continued, “I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news. I was right in the middle of rolling my eyes at someone in the coffee house who was genuinely experiencing joy in their life.” Frey said as he walked to an area Urban Outfitters to replace his Che Guevara t-shirt with a plain black t-shirt. (size: women’s medium)  

Frey is just one of many hipsters across America today who are ironically mourning the loss of the rock band. 

“Whatever. We all saw this coming.” said Kacey Nelson, who works as a cashier at a second-hand clothing store. “It wasn’t that big of a shock. I put on the latest Iron and Wine album, smoked a few American Spirits and just kept on with my day. Might even write some poetry about it later, it’s spoken-word night at the Prose Cafe in downtown Portland.”